Only Board Games for Ella

My wife recently said to me, "When Ella’s born, can you promise that we won’t let her play video games?" I responded with a resounding "Yes" (and actually meant it this time).

I know there are a lot of passionate gamers out there. I’m not one of them. Personally, video games bring out the worst in me. If I get too invested, I get annoyed, frustrated, even irate when I can’t accomplish the video game objective. Life’s too short for me to get pissed when I can’t get the digital character on the screen to grab some sparkling gem to save some princess from some dragon/ogre/monster/the Man. Yet, I fall into the same trap over and over again.

For example, there was a game called NFL Blitz. I would always lose in the last play of the game against a guy who probably didn’t even know the real rules of football. He would drop back to pass by backpeddling 30 or so yards, then just heave a hail mary that would get caught, that receiver would throw a lateral pass to another receiver, who would then throw another forward pass (which is highly illegal in real football by the way) to another receiver for the touchdown, while all of my secondary defenders would be running around like chickens with their heads cut off.

There was also another fighting game called Tekken Tag that I would play with my cousin. On one particular night, he beat me 30 times in a row. I’m not even exaggerating. It was literally 30-0. And he was beating me with a Brazilian character that essentially fights using breakdance moves (a la Zoolander). You would think I’d walk away after losing the first 10. But I didn’t. I continued to eat flares and windmills until it was past midnight. I finally beat my cousin late into the early Sunday morning. By that time, I was about 3 hours late to my friend’s birthday in K-town. When I arrived, they were obviously drunk and had a good chuckle when I told them why I was late.

But I digress... aside from the obvious stress and anger video games may cause Ella, I will keep my baby away from them because I think that the lessons they teach can be dangerously influential and misleading. Here are some examples off the top of my head:

Mario Brothers will teach Ella that it is fun to play in sewer pipes and partake in funny-looking mushrooms. It will also convince her that obesity is not a serious problem since these fat Italian dudes seem to be able to jump 30 feet in the air with relative ease.

Street Fighter will teach her that a flying fireball can’t possibly hurt her so long as she puts her forearm up in front of her face. I also shudder at the thought of her learning about other cultures through this game. Can’t you just imagine her asking an Indian person to spit some flames for her? Or asking a Brazilian why he/she doesn’t look like the Incredible Hulk on crack?

Mike Tyson’s Punch Out will inspire Ella to think that it doesn’t matter that she’s 3'2". So long as you have heart, you should get into the ring with the reigning world heavyweight champion.

Grand Theft Auto ..... come on, do I really have to explain why this would be a bad idea?

James Bond or any other video game that is ‘first person perspective’ would require that I clean up vomit from the inevitable motion sickness that accompanies playing this game.

Lastly, Dance Dance Revolution (DDR). I know what you’re thinking: ‘But DDR promotes exercise and physical fitness!’. No, it doesn’t. It promotes ‘dancing.’ And I do not want to expose my daughter to anything that may encourage her to seek dancing as a profession. Because there are only two types of professional dancing: One where the opportunities are scarce and the pay is low, and one where the opportunities are plentiful and the pay is extremely good. And I wouldn’t want her involved in either, particularly the latter. Chris Rock once eloquently said that the main objective of a father of a girl is to "keep her off the pole." I agree wholeheartedly.

Is Ella in good hands or what?