Scripps National Spelling Bee

I apologize for being out of commission since my last entry. I’ve been really busy with the new arrival and spending countless hours bonding with the new baby. And by "new baby," of course I am referring to the replacement Sharp Aquos television set I recently purchased.

I woke up late on Saturday morning and, still wearing my jammies, stumbled over to the living room hoping to watch some sports in high definition. I turn on ESPN and to my dismay, they are televising the National Spelling Bee! I was so disappointed. Sure, it still beats watching a WNBA game, but a spelling bee? On a 24-hour sports network?

For those of you who have never seen this event, it basically consists of a bunch of kids from all across the country spelling words that you would never use in everyday conversation. These kids are in the junior high school age range, which was of course the "awkward years" for many of us, except that these kids are already awkward, which makes for some of the most eccentric geeks you can imagine. I hate to admit it.. but I was hooked after watching the first fifteen minutes. Would the Chinese kid that shows zero emotion win it? Or would the title go to the 13 year old Indian dude with a mustache thicker than anything I could grow?

As much as I enjoyed the Spelling Bee, I couldn’t help but think that if I ran it, I could add a few wrinkles to the format that would make it more entertaining. Here are some of my ideas to improving this event:

1. I think we really need to weed out the "just happy to be here" competitors. You know, the ones who are complacent just making the trip to Washington, D.C. with no real incentive to do well. So there should be a punishment for the first speller to get eliminated. My suggestion: We should have a backstage room filled with bullies who are just salivating at the chance to torment a geek without any repercussions. The last place speller should be locked in that room for 10 minutes with the bullies given unadulterated access to said geek. I am not a monster.. so I will not condone any punching or kicking. However, noogies, wedgies and wet willies are not off-limits and will be permitted.

2. These kids are studying so much, they look unhealthy. So I propose we have a "physical challenge" portion (a la Double Dare) of the Spelling Bee. For example, if a speller incorrectly spells a particularly tricky word (such as a word containing a silent "G"), he/she should get a chance to remain in the competition if he/she can sink a free throw or something. I figure this will allow these kids to allot a portion of their "study time" to exercise and getting out of the house, which will in turn result in a group of kids that are tanner than some of these pasties that we’ve been seeing over the years.

3. *Ding!* That dreaded bell sound that accompanies a misspelled word. We need to get rid of that. It reminds me of that awful aluminum sound (Ping!) that we associate with college baseball. I think we can be a little more creative in letting the speller know he/she has just been eliminated from the Bee. My suggestion: "Nah Nah Nah Nah, Nah Nah Nah Nah, Hey, Hey, Hey Goodbyeeee!" I would love to see the parents of the other spellers singing this song while pointing at the dejected kid hanging his head and exiting stage left. Wonderful. Just wonderful.

4. I noticed that these kids only have 2 ½ minutes to spell the word correctly. I was surprised at the number of kids who weren’t able to spell their word within that time frame. I say give them a break and an opportunity to extend their time. When there are only fifteen seconds left, I think they should start playing some music to let the kid know that he’s down to his last few seconds. If he wants to extend the clock, he should be forced to dance to the music. So long as he’s dancing, the clock freezes. If a rival wants to make the clock run again, he can jump in and have a "dance off" with that speller. The winner of the dance-off should not be the more skilled dancer (because if he/she can dance, that speller has no business being in this competition), but should be determined by the dance moves that invoke the most pity from the viewers.

5. Lastly, we've got to do something about all of those words with Latin or Greek origins — boooring! Why not throw a curveball into the mix? Clearly the solution is to inject hip hop terminology into the Spelling Bee. Think about it: In addition to memorizing their Webster’s Dictionaries, these kids will be forced to listen to rap albums to realize their spelling championship dreams. The thought of the straight-laced moderator saying words like, "Fo Shizzle" makes me giddy. I can imagine a conversation with a contestant going something like this:

Moderator: Your word is "Fo Shizzle."
Spelling Geek: For Shizzle. Am I saying that right, For Shizzle?
Moderator: No, it's "Fo Shizzle."
Spelling Geek: May I please have the definition?
Moderator: Of or relating to being sure about something.
Spelling Geek: Language of origin, please?
Moderator: Ebonics and (pause) . . . the Streets.

Hahaha! Don’t tell me this wouldn’t make things more entertaining! And yes, I know. I am an idiot.